What qualifies Donald Trump to write a personal advice column? Because, let’s face it, he’s the president and you’re not.
Mr. President, is there a particular maxim or code that you live by that helps guide your actions?
-Mr. Richard Feder, Fort Lee, New Jersey
Glad you asked, Emily. Ever since, I became President, every day, I ask myself, Self, “What would Richard Nixon do?” Now some folks say, maybe that’s not such a good role model, but he got elected and they didn’t, so who cares about them? Plus which, Nixon opened relations with a Commie Oriental country, which I’m trying to do, and he was really setting the right precedent with the Justice Department. He woulda gotten away with it too, if not for those damn Democrats in the Senate who made him resign.
You could do worse than ask “What would Nixon do?” Before I got elected, I used to ask myself, “What would Roy Cohn do?” But then he got Aids.
Mr. President, why do you keep repeating “NO COLLUSION” in person and in tweets? It’s getting a bit tiresome to the rest of the country.
-L. Stahl, Manhattan, New York
That’s a great point. As a matter of fact, I DO say No Collusion. Over and over again. You know why? Cause in my life, I’ve found that if you repeat the same thing, over and over again, no matter how ridiculous it is, people just accept it as like, the mental furniture. And it doesn’t matter if it’s “real” – if you get enough people to say it’s real, then it IS real, or good enough for me. That’s also why I say a whole bunch of things over and over, like “Witch Hunt,” “Mexico will pay for The Wall” and “Don’t worry, honey, I brought the condoms this time.”
Mr. Trump, I’d like to know: What is your secret for getting women?
-Michael Avenatti, Beverly Hills, California
I’m glad you asked, Bob. I wish I could give you advice, but in my experience, the secret to getting as much tail as I have is to have ten billion dollars. Now, that experience isn’t going to help you, cause I’m guessing you don’t have ten billion dollars. As a matter of fact, even I really don’t have ten billion dollars, which is why I needed David Broidy to cover the non-disclosure agreements I made with my mistresses. But I’m not supposed to talk about that right now.
Mr. Trump, was becoming president as great as it seemed to be?
-S. Hannity, New York City, New York
I can tell you Sean, it’s just a tremendous feeling. Becoming president is the cum culmanaton peak of my lifelong dream: having the power to do anything I want without anyone being able to stop me. It’s kinda like being God, only better, cause I think God is supposed to be celibate.
What is it you seem to have against Mexicans or other brown people?
-K. Kardashian, Beverly Hills, California
Look, I don’t have anything against Mexicans, I just said they were ripping us off. When I announced my campaign, I said that Mexico was not sending us their best people. “They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists – and some, I assume, are good people.” So, SOME are good people. I guess. Just cause the rest are drug smugglers and rapists. But I don’t think our country should be so reliant on Mexican labor, because you can’t rely on Mexican work culture.
See, back when I was in college on my fourth draft deferment, some of us guys managed to get a trip to Veracruz, and we all thought they were supposed to have great whorehouses, but they kinda sucked. I mean, not in the good way. I hear the girls are a lot better in Tijuana, but like I was saying, dodging the clap was my version of Vietnam, and if Veracruz was Saigon, Tijuana woulda been like Hamburger Hill, you know what I’m saying? Plus, you probably know, I don’t drink, so my choice was either drink the water, and get the runs, or drink the tequila, and still get the runs. And get fucked up. I mean, you’ve tried tequila, right? You go to any random airport, and walk up to any Japanese guy in a suit, and just say, “Tequila?” And he’ll say, “Oh, that shit fuck you UP!”
I mean, everybody jokes that illegals will do the jobs that Americans don’t wanna do, but from what I’ve seen, not hardly. That’s why I go for East European girls. Not only do they have those nice features and pale skin, they REALLY know what it’s like to be desperate to get to this country. It’s not like Vladimir Putin or Victor Orban is running Mexico. If you’re a woman living in an authoritarian state, you’ already know how to be submissive in order to get out of a jam, and then you’ve got a girl who’s gonna take you through a whole magazine’s worth of Penthouse Forum Letters if she thinks you’ll get her a visa. That I can tell you.
Wait, what was the question again?
Mr. Trump, clearly you’ve done a lot of things that most considered impossible, and that some thought should be impossible. What is the secret to your success?
-James Gillen, Las Vegas, Nevada
It’s no real secret, Jeff. In 2015, I was on CNN and I told the reporter, “I do whine because I want to win. And I’m not happy if I’m not winning. And I am a whiner. And I’m a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.”
See, I make a big show of strength, but really what I do is, I make myself such an annoying little pest that eventually the mark – uh, other party just gives me what I want so that I’ll shut up and go away.
But the thing is, because I’m a sociopathic attention sponge, I will NOT shut up, I will NOT go away, and I will NEVVER, EVER, leave you alone. And if you don’t figure this out toot sweet and toss me like a live grenade, I will dominate your every waking moment and make you my slave. I mean, if you’ve ever lived with a drug addict or professional con man – and Jeff, I get the impression you have – you know how it works.
But as much as I would like to think otherwise, it’s not all because of me. I mean, everybody keeps comparing me to Hitler, and that’s flattering, I guess, but Hitler was a nobody. It’s not like his Daddy ever gave him a few millions dollars to build his reputation. Nobody heard of him. He never got on TV. I mean, he actually volunteered to serve in another country’s military when he didn’t have to. What kind of sucker does that?
I mean it, Hitler was a nobody. You don’t hand over control of the country to somebody like that unless you are truly desperate. And I know this, cause I’m a New York real estate developer. Taking advantage of desperate people is what I DO.
You remember during the campaign when I kept saying, “all my life, I’ve been greedy, greedy, greedy! But now, I’m going to be greedy for YOU!” Christ, did you actually believe that shit? I know I didn’t.
I mean, I did say, “I could walk down Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose any votes,” but I was joking! That was me going, ‘even I can’t take this shit that seriously, so why’s everybody else?’ And everntually I realized, it doesn’t matter what I do or what I say, cause everybody who votes for me are a bunch of dumbfucks who would eat wet camel shit if you tell them Hillary Clinton says it would be a bad idea. I mean, they must be dumbfucks, they voted for me, right?
I said the quiet part loud again didn’t I?
Fuck.
Well, we’ll just get the staff to edit this, like with my tweets.