Mister Speaker,
it has come to the attention of some of us that our 45th President, soon to be inaugurated the 47th, Donald Trump, is not amused. He recently posted on social media, ““The Democrats are all ‘giddy’ about our magnificent American Flag potentially being at ‘half mast’ during my Inauguration”. How could this be? Because former president Jimmy Carter, having already lived to 100 years old, decided to die on the last day of 2024, prompting the current president Joe Biden to announce a thirty day period of mourning, which would end up including the re-inauguration of Donald Trump on January 20, almost as if Carter were intending to ruin the event.
But how could he? How could this fact dispel the happiness of this occasion, in which the divine order of things is restored and our sovereign returns to his rightful place of power? How could it be counted as an omen against the new president? Has he not proven himself invincible?
Donald Trump, whose wrath shakes the mountains and causes storm fronts to recede from his glare. Donald Trump, who single-handedly created the Grand Canyon – after vacationing in Arizona and misplacing his wallet. Donald Trump, whose member is of such length, mass and hardness that he may topple the Washington Monument with a single whack.
And yet, Our President, whose dread majesty has reduced every member of the Republican caucus to fearful obedience, has the sensitivity of a small child, such that the coincidence of another president’s mourning period triggers hysterical emotion. Truly, Our President is a colossus who contains multitudes. Verily, he is like Zeus, only without the modesty or chastity. But why should he NOT be offended? Is Donald Trump not a better president than Jimmy Carter? Has he not done what no man since Grover Cleveland did, winning a presidential election after losing one? A loss, I do not need to remind my Republican colleagues, that only occurred because the 2020 election was rigged and stolen from Our President, and yet he returned with an undeniable majority vote – of the people who bothered to show up – despite the fact that there were one million fewer Americans since 2020, thanks to a deadly virus that President Trump allowed to run rampant. Surely that victory speaks to his popularity and his political acumen?
Therefore Mister Speaker, in order to compensate our Dear Leader for the offense committed against him by the real world, I propose the following:
That on the day of Donald Trump’s own death, whatever date on the calendar that may be, Congress shall declare the anniversary of said death to be a federal holiday and a date of remembrance and celebration. It will be a day of feasting and merriment for the country at large and a day of rest for our federal employees and contractors.
In this way, We, the People, will be able to demonstrate to Donald Trump’s family and faithful how much more popular he is than Jimmy Carter, how much more loved he is than Jimmy Carter, and how much better a president he is than Jimmy Carter. I think Trump’s followers will be amazed at the passion of our nation’s response.
And finally Mister Speaker, so that this happy day will not be too long delayed, I hereby offer a solemn prayer to the LORD, that He may take his faithful servant, Donald Trump, home to live with him as soon as possible, so that Elon Musk can get back to running things without further interference.
I yield back the balance of my time.