Hi, I’m Donald Trump.
Hi, Donald.
And I’m bein’ told… that I’m a dummy.
We’re not here to judge.
But I’m like, the President of the United States, and I’m in control of the largest economy on Earth, and I got some people tellin’ me that it’s not workin’ out.
That’s why we’re here. What would you like to know about economics?
Lots.
Well, can you be more specific?
Well, the tariff thing. Last week, I announced this great, big beautiful tariff plan, cause I wanted Wall Street to like me.
That’s why you did it?
Yeah, cause before I came along they had this thing called progressive income tax where you have to pay more money if you’re rich.
Yes, because the rich have more money.
Well, I’m rich, and I don’t like that. Nobody likes that. But before we had progressive income tax, we had the tariff system. Tariff. It’s my favorite word. And groceries. It’s all about the groceries. Did you know I invented that word? Groceries.
I did not know that.
But the reason this country was so great before the Radical Left took over is cause our government ran on tariffs for consumers and not income taxes on the rich. That’s how it worked with William McKinley.
Wasn’t he the president that got assassinated?
What?
Never mind.
But I announced these tariffs to help the upper class, and they don’t like it! Like, the stock market has been going down by thousands of points every day since! Even Elon Musk is saying free trade is better than tariffs!
Maybe he knows something you don’t.
The whole point is these other countries have been ripping us off cause we give them more money than they give us.
That’s … not how free trade works.
Well, what’s wrong with tariffs, then?
Well, let’s look at one hypothetical case: If the US is the largest economy in the world, and we trade with say, Bangladesh, Bangladesh is a really small, undeveloped country. So by definition there’s gonna be a trade imbalance cause they’re not on the same scale of economy as us.
Okay.
Smaller countries trade with us cause they have some things we don’t have, and we have money and things they don’t have.
Okay.
That’s how ‘trade’ works.
That sounds like a rip-off.
So that’s why you came up with this tariff plan. How does it work?
Well, in my big, beautiful White House presser, I showed everybody the chart and it shows all the tariffs we got against EVERY country in the world.
Except … Russia. And North Korea.
Really? Well, they’re not the ones screwing us. They’re my FRIENDS.
Okay, where are these numbers coming from?
Well, it’s so beautiful. What we did is, the figure is trade deficit with a country divided by their exports to us.
That’s NOT how trade works.
Well, who cares.
I’m looking at this list and one of the territories is ‘British Indian Ocean Territory.’
Yeah.
That’s Diego Garcia.
Yeah.
That’s a US military base.
Yeah, well, it said ‘Diego Garcia’, I figured it was Mexican.
Why are you having all these high-level tariffs against territories that don’t even have people?
Well, what happened was, we just ran everything through an AI program to make extra sure. Cause like Howie was saying Sunday, if you leave anything off the list, them other countries are gonna art- artifice – get around the tariff program.
Jesus Christ, you fucking hammerhead, now I see why that assassination attempt failed. The bullet bounced off your skull.
Yeah, well the preachers around me says that I was saved because God wanted me to be President.
Really? Have you read the Bible?
Uh, yeah. Sure I did.
In Exodus, God hardens Pharaoh’s heart and has him resist Moses when he says to let the Hebrews go. So the Hebrews are kept in bondage in Egypt and to punish Pharaoh, God sends a bunch of plagues and they culminate in the death of the Pharaoh’s firstborn son.
Wait, Pharoah does what God wants and then God punishes him for it?
I’m just saying, this God guy doesn’t necessarily have your best interests at heart.
Yeah, well who cares.
Then why are you asking for advice?
Cause- cause look, you seen all them protesters on April 5? How did they get all those protesters? They had thousands of people in Utah! They LOVE me there! How did they get all those protestors? Don’t people have jobs?
Well, maybe a whole bunch of people became unemployed in the last two months for some reason.
They got everybody real antsy! We had Rand Paul sponsor a bill to take my tariff powers away! Rand! He’s like Ron, only with better hair! They can’t take my tariff powers away! That’s not in the Constitution!
Actually it is, sir. Article I.
Well, who cares. If anybody ever read the Constitution, I wouldn’t be here.
True enough.
But it’s worst than that! If I lose enough Senators and enough Congressmen, they’re actually talkin’ about IMPEACHING me! Like, it might WORK next time!
That would be a shame.
I mean, the whole point of bein’ President again was cause I was gettin’ convicted of crimes – crimes which I had EVERY RIGHT to commit, by the way – and if I was a regular citizen again I’d have to pay fines! Might even go to PRISON!
Gee.
I don’WANNA go to prison! …I’m too PRETTY for prison…
There, there.
I never really wann’ed to be president really! I just wanted all the power of an unaccountable god and none of the responsibility!
Really.
Why do you think I got Elon running everything?
That would explain much. But really sir – did you ever think that even if you’re the most powerful man in the world, you can’t always get away with screwing everybody all the time?
….no….
Then you really are a dummy.